Sorry

What do you do when the reason why a relationship might fail is due to your own secret? I have been on the other end. The one that gets hurt, or the broken heart. I never meant to hurt this person. Now that I look at the situation I did keep this secret for selfish reasons. I was so afraid to lose him that I held on to this secret. Would I take it back or told him sooner? No is the honest answer. I wish I could take the pain back that I have caused but I wouldn't change anything I have done, because I wouldn't of got to spend so much time with this person. This person has brought out so many good qualities in me. The same person who stood by my side while I went through withdrawl, same person who has held my hand at my worst and has yet to see me at my best. The same person who held my hand while I gave birth to our beautiful son. 
    To my wonderful fiance I am sorry, I love you.

New Year

It is January 1st of  2016. It is amazing how something as simple as the date changing and a new year can become something so big and important. We celebrate New Years Eve in hopes that it will be a start for a better year than the last.  We make sure we are with those special people in our lives in hopes that it will bring some sort of good luck or good karma. There are so many people that use it as an excuses to get  drunk and high! I used to be that person. I would have anxiety over the planning of New Years Eve because if I couldn't get completely obliviated that night than my new years would be ruined!! I look back and think how stupid I was.
       I was sitting with my sister at dinner New Years Day and she says " I have to eat some sauerkraut" I said "why?" " Oh its good luck" she says. Really?  It truly amazes me all these things we find so important new years eve!  We should make everyday important. Our New Years Resolution should be to enjoy our loved ones everyday! We should live out these new year resolutions everyday in a form of goals and life changes. Life goes by too fast to wait for the new year to set goals. I know this next New Years eve I will not be waiting up till midnight just to see a ball drop. I will be going to bed early and sober:I will wake up New Years Day refreshed(ha ha I haven't woke up refreshed since 2002 the year my oldest was born) I think we should all have goals and focus on reaching those goals and always setting new goals. I feel like I blink and another year goes by and it was just yesterday my children where babies. I have so many years lost to my addiction and so many lost memories that I don't wanna waste any time. I wanna cherish every moment.  It shouldn't matter if its January 1st or May 1st each new day is a fresh start.

Christmas Blessings

So I have so many things to be thankful for. I am truly blessed even though things are not perfect far from perfect I think my water bill is like $400 right now and the electric and gas payments are late but you know what I can rest easy. I can rest easy because we are doing our best and the bills are not late because  of my addiction. Before I would have spent the bill $ selfishly on my drug habit just so I could feel normal for the day. I thank God everyday for who and what he has gave me, I thank God because I can wake up and not be dope sick.
 We just celebrated Christmas it was so wonderful to be surrounded by loved ones and family. These same people who I have hurt in the past, the same people who watched me self destruct. Family who know the truth about me but still love me. No family is perfect because every single one of us is an imperfect person who is here to praise and teach Gods word. To pass on our story of the many miracles we have seen.

Run away

I am so very proud that I have learned to live life without drugs and alcohol, but it sucks that I live in the same town that I partied in. It is a constant reminder of all the wrong things I have done. When you become an addict at a young age as I did there is not to many places you haven't got high or drunk at. From the park, playgrounds,port a johns alleys u name it. These places are a constant reminder of the terrible life I used to live. I could be having a wonderful day and drive by a place where I got high at and it just ruin the whole mood of the day. I am sure that these bad memories will be replaced with good ones but its enough to make me wanna run away and start over making good memories. Sometimes I sit and think why didn't somebody stop me from my reckless behavior. I was just 13 a young girl who wanted to fit in. I now have a 13 yr old girl and I see how,young and niave she is to imagine her doing the things I did at her age it breaks my heart. Didn't anybody see I was on a destructive path. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. But sometimes I wish I could change things.

Broke and Sober

Sometimes life is good and you have to cherish those moments! Nothing in life is guaranteed.I thank God everyday for everything he has gave me BC nothing is our own. The things we have today can be gone tomorrow! My fiance just recently lost his job and the Dr's do not allow me to work. So at first I thought my God why us? but then I looked around and realized we have everything we need. I'm sure God was just shaking his head thinking just trust me!!!!! We may not have brand new flashy stuff, but we are happy. I never would have thought I could be this happy broke and sober!! Huh who knew?

The sickness

I have now been suffering from migranes off n on for about 2 wks. It is an awful feeling to feel useless.I have 5 children who need there mother and I can't do what I need to do. My middle son calls my migranes the sickness. He always ask do you have your sickness today? It breaks my heart that he even has to think like that. It is so frustrating, I finally over came my addiction n now I am battling these migranes. #alwaysfightingabattle