Beautiful and Applying Myself

     I am so very proud to say I have almost finished my first semester of my college classes!!!! I am actually passing with high B's!!! This is so surprising to me because I was not a good student in high school. I had failing grades; I think most of my high school years. School didn't interest me. I felt awkward and didn't fit in. So I soon found comfort in drugs and alcohol. From the very young age of 13 I began to party and Oh did I party. At lunch I sat with the stoners because they knew who had the drugs; so I would buy my drugs (which was whatever there was that day) and by my next class I was high. My weekends consisted of drinking my favorite shots southern blues and captain and coke.

 

      So since I did so poorly in school I just figured I wasn't smart. I believed all those crazy thoughts and ideas the devil placed in my head. I believed that I would never be able to apply my self to anything. I believed I was ugly and would never amount to anything.These awful thoughts led me into many abusive relationships. Well here I am beautiful and applying myself. Its amazing what we are capable of when we apply ourselves and focus our lives on purpose and substance. I used to feel so far away from God I know now that he carried me to where I am at today. I still wake up everyday  wondering how I got to where I am. I thank God because I can finally say I am beautiful and applying myself!
Hugs and Prayers
 

Sit Back and Enjoy the View

      Have you ever saved a message on your voicemail just so you could replay it? Just so you could hear that persons voice. I have, it is just so nice to know any time I needed to hear that persons voice I could. Its almost like I can freeze time for  a very short period. 
     

I sometimes just sit back and try to really soak up all the little things that matter.Like seeing the love between my son and his father it is simply just pure love there is no questioning it.  Then there are times I watch  my kids at dinner; they sit around the table like these little business people talking over there coffee, but instead they are my beautiful children just enjoying life and conversing over chicken and fries. I also love it when we are just goofing around and I sit and watch them interact not holding back just being there selves not a worry in the world. I am envious of the heart and mind of a child. You know in the bible it says to have child like faith. A child doesn't question the small things in life they are free at heart and just know that they will have the essential things they need. No child should ever have to worry about adult matters. Children look at us adults for knowledge and guidance. So if we as the parents always focus on material things like trying to have the biggest and best things then that is what our children will focus on, or if we are constantly trying new remedies to be the prettiest or the most fit  this is what our children will model. We need to be the best version of our selves and if we stumble than we will get back up. 
      So we as the parents can learn a lot from our kids by just sitting back and watching. Soak it up because they wont be little for ever.

Sorry

What do you do when the reason why a relationship might fail is due to your own secret? I have been on the other end. The one that gets hurt, or the broken heart. I never meant to hurt this person. Now that I look at the situation I did keep this secret for selfish reasons. I was so afraid to lose him that I held on to this secret. Would I take it back or told him sooner? No is the honest answer. I wish I could take the pain back that I have caused but I wouldn't change anything I have done, because I wouldn't of got to spend so much time with this person. This person has brought out so many good qualities in me. The same person who stood by my side while I went through withdrawl, same person who has held my hand at my worst and has yet to see me at my best. The same person who held my hand while I gave birth to our beautiful son. 
    To my wonderful fiance I am sorry, I love you.

New Year

It is January 1st of  2016. It is amazing how something as simple as the date changing and a new year can become something so big and important. We celebrate New Years Eve in hopes that it will be a start for a better year than the last.  We make sure we are with those special people in our lives in hopes that it will bring some sort of good luck or good karma. There are so many people that use it as an excuses to get  drunk and high! I used to be that person. I would have anxiety over the planning of New Years Eve because if I couldn't get completely obliviated that night than my new years would be ruined!! I look back and think how stupid I was.
       I was sitting with my sister at dinner New Years Day and she says " I have to eat some sauerkraut" I said "why?" " Oh its good luck" she says. Really?  It truly amazes me all these things we find so important new years eve!  We should make everyday important. Our New Years Resolution should be to enjoy our loved ones everyday! We should live out these new year resolutions everyday in a form of goals and life changes. Life goes by too fast to wait for the new year to set goals. I know this next New Years eve I will not be waiting up till midnight just to see a ball drop. I will be going to bed early and sober:I will wake up New Years Day refreshed(ha ha I haven't woke up refreshed since 2002 the year my oldest was born) I think we should all have goals and focus on reaching those goals and always setting new goals. I feel like I blink and another year goes by and it was just yesterday my children where babies. I have so many years lost to my addiction and so many lost memories that I don't wanna waste any time. I wanna cherish every moment.  It shouldn't matter if its January 1st or May 1st each new day is a fresh start.

Christmas Blessings

So I have so many things to be thankful for. I am truly blessed even though things are not perfect far from perfect I think my water bill is like $400 right now and the electric and gas payments are late but you know what I can rest easy. I can rest easy because we are doing our best and the bills are not late because  of my addiction. Before I would have spent the bill $ selfishly on my drug habit just so I could feel normal for the day. I thank God everyday for who and what he has gave me, I thank God because I can wake up and not be dope sick.
 We just celebrated Christmas it was so wonderful to be surrounded by loved ones and family. These same people who I have hurt in the past, the same people who watched me self destruct. Family who know the truth about me but still love me. No family is perfect because every single one of us is an imperfect person who is here to praise and teach Gods word. To pass on our story of the many miracles we have seen.

Run away

I am so very proud that I have learned to live life without drugs and alcohol, but it sucks that I live in the same town that I partied in. It is a constant reminder of all the wrong things I have done. When you become an addict at a young age as I did there is not to many places you haven't got high or drunk at. From the park, playgrounds,port a johns alleys u name it. These places are a constant reminder of the terrible life I used to live. I could be having a wonderful day and drive by a place where I got high at and it just ruin the whole mood of the day. I am sure that these bad memories will be replaced with good ones but its enough to make me wanna run away and start over making good memories. Sometimes I sit and think why didn't somebody stop me from my reckless behavior. I was just 13 a young girl who wanted to fit in. I now have a 13 yr old girl and I see how,young and niave she is to imagine her doing the things I did at her age it breaks my heart. Didn't anybody see I was on a destructive path. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. But sometimes I wish I could change things.