Guilty

The bible says "just so I tell you there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous persons who need no repentance" Luke 15:7

      I can not count how many times a day I ask God to forgive me. The sad thing is it is for the things I have done in my past the same things I have asked for forgiveness for time and time again. I know we are to ask for forgiveness and be forgiven not dwell on the past, but every time I look at my beautiful children that I drug with me through the worst parts of my addiction I feel guilt. I feel guilt when I look at my son who is 1 and has a sober mommy. I just feel awful that my other 3 did not get to have the same. My other children did not get to have a safe home. Then God reminds me that I am a better person now. I am a mom that all my children deserve. My oldest who is 13 probably remembers the most of our past. Some how she turned out to be this well rounded, smart, beautiful young lady. I work very hard at trying to be a mother she can be proud of and look up to. On the other hand I am  thankful for my sobriety because my other 3 will have memories of a clean,sober, mommy.
      Like I said I still feel guilt on those days where I do not feel well, there is guilt.Days when I feel like giving up there is guilt. When I think of what I put my family through there is guilt. Guilt is the way the devil can still get to me. The devil is very good at pulling at your heart strings. He is good at kicking you when your down. Some days the guilt is almost to much to bare. I have to keep telling myself that I am a better person today than I was yesterday. If I can go to bed knowing I did the best I could that day then I can rest easy.
      You know how on the cartoons they have the lil devil on one shoulder and a lil angel on the other shoulder and they are fighting back and forth trying to prove why the cartoon character should side with them. Well that's what I picture happening to me when I feel this overwhelming feeling of guilt. The devil fights so very hard to cloud my judgement but  God always wins!!!!!!

I Pray for Strength

My body hurts and aches. I feel yrs older than I really am.My health is unpredictable. I thought once I got clean and sober I would feel wonderful. I thought if I just get through the pain of withdraw I would be able to start a healthy life. I had all these plans of what I was going to do. Well God had other plans.Right before I got pregnant with my lil man Dean I started having severe pain all over my body.  It only started to get worse. Soon after the birth of Dean I started my dreaded trips to the Dr.'s. I was miss diagnosed for months. It took almost a year after Deans birth to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

Something I learned from my life experiences and my biblical classes is that our life is not our own. You would think that I would of learned by now. We can make plans and set goals but if God has others plans for us, our plans will not work.. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, but I have no other choice! Even though my pain is enough to bring me to tears my children need me. I do not know why God has let me deal with this disease; but I do know there is a reason........ I just have not been told yet!!!
I do not pray for God to take this pain away I pray to have the strength to live with it. Hugs and Prayers

Pray for Strength

   We as addicts know what it is like to beg God to just take away the pain. Really anyone who has had to battle an internal demon whether it be physical or mental can relate. I started my downward spiral with drugs, sex, and alcohol at the very young age of 13.
   So when I decided to get clean I had no idea who Amanda was. I had no hobbies bc my hobby was getting high. I had no friends well at least true friends.  After 15 yrs of drugs, alcohol,and 3 children later, I decided to change my life. You know nobody tells you how painful of a journey it will be to have sobriety. I had the physical withdraw and the mental. I began to feel emotions, Emotions I had not felt in years. I did well with my sobriety until about 2yrs later when my ex husband and I decided to try and make things work. It was not long before we enabled each other to use again.
   During my relapse of heroin and suboxone( I say suboxone because I  only used it to not be sick when I couldn't find dope) I met my now fiance. He helped me get through my withdraw and this time it felt even worse then the first time. My fiance also fights the inner demons of addiction so in some ways he can relate to me.
    I guess my point is nothing in life that is worth having will come easy. We have to be pushed out of our comfort zone so we can grow. That is with anything in life, The things we have in life that mean something we had to fight for.
    For the first time in life I am getting to know myself.  I actually have hobbies, I have interests in things I would have never thought. Even though I am loving life and trying to find the beauty in every situation my body still pays for the abuse I put it through. I have medical problems that make everyday a challenge. Like I said nothing in life  worth having comes easy and a sober life is worth having. Life dose not get easier we just get stronger. No matter what I wake up and thank God for giving me more than I deserve.  Prayers and Hugs

                                                                         

Beautiful and Applying Myself

     I am so very proud to say I have almost finished my first semester of my college classes!!!! I am actually passing with high B's!!! This is so surprising to me because I was not a good student in high school. I had failing grades; I think most of my high school years. School didn't interest me. I felt awkward and didn't fit in. So I soon found comfort in drugs and alcohol. From the very young age of 13 I began to party and Oh did I party. At lunch I sat with the stoners because they knew who had the drugs; so I would buy my drugs (which was whatever there was that day) and by my next class I was high. My weekends consisted of drinking my favorite shots southern blues and captain and coke.

 

      So since I did so poorly in school I just figured I wasn't smart. I believed all those crazy thoughts and ideas the devil placed in my head. I believed that I would never be able to apply my self to anything. I believed I was ugly and would never amount to anything.These awful thoughts led me into many abusive relationships. Well here I am beautiful and applying myself. Its amazing what we are capable of when we apply ourselves and focus our lives on purpose and substance. I used to feel so far away from God I know now that he carried me to where I am at today. I still wake up everyday  wondering how I got to where I am. I thank God because I can finally say I am beautiful and applying myself!
Hugs and Prayers
 

Sit Back and Enjoy the View

      Have you ever saved a message on your voicemail just so you could replay it? Just so you could hear that persons voice. I have, it is just so nice to know any time I needed to hear that persons voice I could. Its almost like I can freeze time for  a very short period. 
     

I sometimes just sit back and try to really soak up all the little things that matter.Like seeing the love between my son and his father it is simply just pure love there is no questioning it.  Then there are times I watch  my kids at dinner; they sit around the table like these little business people talking over there coffee, but instead they are my beautiful children just enjoying life and conversing over chicken and fries. I also love it when we are just goofing around and I sit and watch them interact not holding back just being there selves not a worry in the world. I am envious of the heart and mind of a child. You know in the bible it says to have child like faith. A child doesn't question the small things in life they are free at heart and just know that they will have the essential things they need. No child should ever have to worry about adult matters. Children look at us adults for knowledge and guidance. So if we as the parents always focus on material things like trying to have the biggest and best things then that is what our children will focus on, or if we are constantly trying new remedies to be the prettiest or the most fit  this is what our children will model. We need to be the best version of our selves and if we stumble than we will get back up. 
      So we as the parents can learn a lot from our kids by just sitting back and watching. Soak it up because they wont be little for ever.

Sorry

What do you do when the reason why a relationship might fail is due to your own secret? I have been on the other end. The one that gets hurt, or the broken heart. I never meant to hurt this person. Now that I look at the situation I did keep this secret for selfish reasons. I was so afraid to lose him that I held on to this secret. Would I take it back or told him sooner? No is the honest answer. I wish I could take the pain back that I have caused but I wouldn't change anything I have done, because I wouldn't of got to spend so much time with this person. This person has brought out so many good qualities in me. The same person who stood by my side while I went through withdrawl, same person who has held my hand at my worst and has yet to see me at my best. The same person who held my hand while I gave birth to our beautiful son. 
    To my wonderful fiance I am sorry, I love you.

New Year

It is January 1st of  2016. It is amazing how something as simple as the date changing and a new year can become something so big and important. We celebrate New Years Eve in hopes that it will be a start for a better year than the last.  We make sure we are with those special people in our lives in hopes that it will bring some sort of good luck or good karma. There are so many people that use it as an excuses to get  drunk and high! I used to be that person. I would have anxiety over the planning of New Years Eve because if I couldn't get completely obliviated that night than my new years would be ruined!! I look back and think how stupid I was.
       I was sitting with my sister at dinner New Years Day and she says " I have to eat some sauerkraut" I said "why?" " Oh its good luck" she says. Really?  It truly amazes me all these things we find so important new years eve!  We should make everyday important. Our New Years Resolution should be to enjoy our loved ones everyday! We should live out these new year resolutions everyday in a form of goals and life changes. Life goes by too fast to wait for the new year to set goals. I know this next New Years eve I will not be waiting up till midnight just to see a ball drop. I will be going to bed early and sober:I will wake up New Years Day refreshed(ha ha I haven't woke up refreshed since 2002 the year my oldest was born) I think we should all have goals and focus on reaching those goals and always setting new goals. I feel like I blink and another year goes by and it was just yesterday my children where babies. I have so many years lost to my addiction and so many lost memories that I don't wanna waste any time. I wanna cherish every moment.  It shouldn't matter if its January 1st or May 1st each new day is a fresh start.