I can not count how many times a day I ask God to forgive me. The sad thing is it is for the things I have done in my past the same things I have asked for forgiveness for time and time again. I know we are to ask for forgiveness and be forgiven not dwell on the past, but every time I look at my beautiful children that I drug with me through the worst parts of my addiction I feel guilt. I feel guilt when I look at my son who is 1 and has a sober mommy. I just feel awful that my other 3 did not get to have the same. My other children did not get to have a safe home. Then God reminds me that I am a better person now. I am a mom that all my children deserve. My oldest who is 13 probably remembers the most of our past. Some how she turned out to be this well rounded, smart, beautiful young lady. I work very hard at trying to be a mother she can be proud of and look up to. On the other hand I am thankful for my sobriety because my other 3 will have memories of a clean,sober, mommy.
Like I said I still feel guilt on those days where I do not feel well, there is guilt.Days when I feel like giving up there is guilt. When I think of what I put my family through there is guilt. Guilt is the way the devil can still get to me. The devil is very good at pulling at your heart strings. He is good at kicking you when your down. Some days the guilt is almost to much to bare. I have to keep telling myself that I am a better person today than I was yesterday. If I can go to bed knowing I did the best I could that day then I can rest easy.You know how on the cartoons they have the lil devil on one shoulder and a lil angel on the other shoulder and they are fighting back and forth trying to prove why the cartoon character should side with them. Well that's what I picture happening to me when I feel this overwhelming feeling of guilt. The devil fights so very hard to cloud my judgement but God always wins!!!!!!
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